Cashflows with Cash Matthews
Financial behavior, entrepreneurship, and the path to success in what we like to call the Good Life!
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Cashflows with Cash Matthews
116. Practical Advice for Life After Divorce and Loss with Cash Matthews
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Ever wondered how to navigate the stormy seas of divorce or the loss of a loved one? Our episode of Cashflows tackles these heart-wrenching life changes with the wisdom of Cash Matthews, who offers invaluable insights and personal stories that highlight the importance of preparation and resilience. Learn how to cope with the initial emotional shock and find out why resources like the book "Suddenly Single" can become lifelines during these turbulent times. Discover practical steps to regain your footing when friends' support wanes, and long-term resilience becomes a solo journey.
Financial decisions can feel overwhelming when you become suddenly single, but this episode breaks them down into manageable steps. From scrutinizing bank statements for overlooked expenses to updating beneficiaries and removing names from joint accounts, we cover all the essential actions to protect your financial future. Hear personal anecdotes about the importance of having an up-to-date will and the emotional catharsis that comes from tackling smaller debts first. Additionally, we explore prepaid funerals, veterans benefits, and estate planning, emphasizing the relief that comes from being prepared. Don't miss our introduction to the "My Financial Plan" program, designed to ease the burden during these challenging transitions.
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Hello, entrepreneurs, dreamers, business owners and happy people with high hopes. Welcome to Cash Flows with your host, cash Matthews.
Cash Matthews:All right, welcome to Cash Flows, Glad you're here today. My name is Cash Matthews and we're here today with Kenneth Baucum, the executive producer of our show, and another riveting edition of the Cash Flows podcast.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah, yeah, ready to get it going here. And, of course, today, though, we're going to talk about some difficult topics.
Cash Matthews:Yeah, I don't like this topic. It is not one of my favorites.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah, but it is helpful for those that it affects, right?
Cash Matthews:Yeah, you know my mom and dad were divorced and my dad left our family when I was young and it was tough for my mother and there was no internet and she didn't have many friends and she didn't have a support group. She just had to grind it out and that's what she did. You know she had to do part-time jobs and you know I say in the book we call suddenly single what to do when it's just you and I have been unfortunate and fortunate to do. My life revolved around this and in my career I've been through maybe 200 divorces and about a hundred deaths and I know that sounds like a lot, but I've been doing this a long time. And, um, you know we have a big group of people here 86, uh, about actually about 9,000 people in Tulsa and our networking group that we created and about 6,000, uh in Austin, and so I've just been a guy that's seen a bunch of it a couple hundred divorces, about a hundred deaths in my client and friend group and I'll just it's ugly every single time.
Cash Matthews:There's not a lot of people say stuff like that. It's usually the person going oh, it's going to be a great divorce. You know there's always some tearing and it's man, it's tough and it's tough on the kids and it's tough on the friends and you know watching my parents go through it and then the aftermath can last a lifetime and there's not a whole lot of choices there. Once it happens to you, right yeah.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah, and you, you had mentioned this before. You know, half the time, you know, marriage ends in divorce and the other half in death, Like that's. That's the two ways.
Cash Matthews:That's not a very good sales pitch, just so you know, not really, but but that's your way out.
Cash Matthews:I mean, that's sort of it, and we like to talk about it because it's tough, so you can prepare for it. And if you're watching this or listening, we're sorry if you're in a spot where this has happened, if you're going through death or divorce, you're about to. You know there's a lot of people that will talk to you. Um, I had a friend that died up in Dallas five years ago and everybody swore an allegiance to his spouse. And what I found? Those allegiances last no more than six weeks. You're really special.
Cash Matthews:Friends will stick around four to six weeks and people are back to their normal life and that's what they're supposed to do. So we're supposed to move on, we're supposed to rise up and we're supposed to go to the next positive thing. And what I found? That those people who promised they'll be there, they're not bad people. It's just hard to pick up somebody else's burden for a long, long time and it can take years to be resolved. They'll be rooting for you and they'll like your posts. But man, to be, to be right there with you, that's a different deal.
Kenneth Baucum:Right, and that's difficult, right. It's a difficult thing for people to go through and there's a lot of stuff that has to be done really for either of those two situations, you know. So, when you become suddenly single, there's a lot of things that need to happen, and I know you've written a book on this. Do you have like a checklist or a set of things that people can go through, something you'd like to share, so that we have an idea of how to move forward?
Cash Matthews:Yeah, kenneth, that's actually here. We're going to talk about that today. First, if you'd like to get a free copy of the Suddenly Single book, just email us at cashflowsattulsabongcom. Tulsa Bong is our networking group that's very prolific here in Tulsa and Austin. We would love to give you one of these books in person or over coffee, whatever's best for you. The condition is, we'd love to meet you, but if we could only meet you through a Zoom call or sending a book, we'll do that too. We'd love to give you one of these books for no charge and we'll even pay for the coffee just to help you get started.
Cash Matthews:If you've got a few questions, there's nothing you can buy when we meet. Uh, you just might need somebody to talk to. So it's scary going through this stuff, um, and it doesn't sound very good in public to say that I've been through a couple hundred divorces, um, but I've been side by side with my friends and family and customers and my networking friends and so, man, it ain't easy. If you're going through it and my heart aches for you and I pray you'll be able to get back up and go do the next good thing and you're going to want to do that for yourself, for your kids, for your family. You do it because the only option is through. You know you can't roll around in it. It's kind of like peeing in the bed. It's sort of warm for a minute, but you know you gotta move through it. I don't even know if that was a good example, but maybe it's, I don't know We'll, we'll, we'll.
Cash Matthews:This is not the best show in the world, you know we're. We're in the top 45 million though so I'm good with that. Anyway, there's a lot of stuff you'll want to do when you're going through. I just had a friend of mine that's in one of our networking groups and had read the book and was married and curiosity to me why she read the book and I knew she and her husband things could be going weird. And but when people split up, and in the book we talk about the number one thing to do, whether it's death or divorce. But if there's a divorce pending or you can see it on the horizon or you're talking about it number one go change all your passwords immediately. And she had said to me oh, I don't want to do that, he'll get mad at me. They're already mad, they're leaving and they're making a different plan without you in it. And that sounds harsh. But that's what's happened. And and if you don't change your passwords, they can see your checkbook, your telephone log.
Cash Matthews:I got a call from a dude one day and he goes who are you? And I said cash. And uh, he's like why did you call my wife 11 times last month. Like, why did you call my wife 11 times last month? And I was like, oh, okay, hang on a second. Turns out it was the ex-husband who had been spying on her from her phone records. I'd been acting in the role of her financial advisor and we were just talking about sorting everything out. Oh, and she was 84 years old and uh, so you know, not in my age bracket.
Cash Matthews:I'm super happy with my wife and I tried to explain that to him and I'm like, hey, I'm just trying to help her out. Man, you're the one that left and I made sure she changed her passwords right after. But he'd kind of been stalking her and he's the one that asked. Now he's following her around questioning what she's doing and I'm like, dude, I think you lost your right to do that Right. So, hey, if you're out there, don't put up with this kind of crap. My friend, who locally read this and said, hey, if that ever happens, I told her, change the passwords. Well, she didn't change the passwords, ended up getting divorced and he ran off with all the money and it happens.
Cash Matthews:And, uh, you know, if that's all we talked about today, just this one thing do the pastor. It'd be a great four minute podcast. That'd be great. But I'm going to give you a couple of other things here and I'm not going to read all of them. But when you go through a breakup or death, you want to get your social security evaluated. Uh, when you're checking out spousal benefits, you need to usually go to the office and I think you should do that and just say what are my options? Tell me my options. You can find your own stuff personally at socialsecuritygov and I've actually found them to be pretty helpful to work with. That should be encouraging to you, right? Yeah, people talk about the government, kenneth, like you know bad or whatever.
Cash Matthews:But you know I'm not saying go to the DMV where we make those jokes all day long, right, but I think you just go in, do a local interview, determine spousal benefits, spousal continuation benefits, and one of the things you want to do is make sure they are not on your checking account or cell phone or that they can't turn off your cable or electric. If they've had access or authority, that needs to be removed right away. There's no easy way to say that.
Kenneth Baucum:Right, right, makes sense, right, yeah, yeah, well, and so I'm kind of curious. When it comes to the bank, though is it enough to just do that at the bank, or we need to, like, get checks reprinted and everything right, because their names are at the top of the checks too?
Cash Matthews:Yeah, I think you would reprint the checks, remove them from the account, maybe even set up new accounts, but change the password. You don't want to be reminded every time you write a check that this person existed previously, and that's true for both death and divorce. So you know, these are little things, but they're things that you can do along the way. I find them therapeutic, and when you see somebody go through this, I mean it takes months, it can take years, but it gives you something to focus on on that day and that is part of your recovery. And divorce and death Sorry, got my tang all tangled.
Cash Matthews:Divorce and death are about entering this period that we call recovery. I want to tell you there is life on the other side. Yeah, it does get better and you keep moving on and that's what you want to do. Sometimes it's tough when you just want to crawl up in the fetal position. One of the other things let me just move on here is you want to check all of your automated bank drafts I call them ACH automated clearinghouse that comes out and find what you're paying for Is this benefit me or them? And if it's not for your benefit, go to the bank, cut it off and you know you'll probably find a gym membership or two that's never been used. There's a lot of financial forensics on your bank statement so just taking a look, I like to look at the last six months of bank statements.
Kenneth Baucum:Right.
Cash Matthews:That's where you can find also life insurance policies and benefit plans and health insurance plans, and just because they're usually being drafted once a year. Sometimes, in fact, if you have time, go look at 13 months worth of bank statements and see what is going on inside your bank account.
Kenneth Baucum:That makes sense, yeah, yeah, that makes sense, and I, yeah, and I can even think of stuff for myself, right Drafted annually instead of just monthly. So it definitely makes sense going back 13 months.
Cash Matthews:Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right. I've got some stuff on quarterly billing, yeah, and so you know you would find that over 13 months, but 13 months is a good idea. A lot of people have a cell phone plan with both people on one plan and you need to ask your cell phone carrier how do I divide this? Or, if your spouse has passed away, how do I take this person off of the cell phone plan? If that's what you want to do and that's a good time to change your number if you need it, you don't have to do that, but for some people that makes sense.
Cash Matthews:There are a lot of ways to do these things as well, and you want to take your name off of loans and debts and accounts that no longer factor in. You know that could be the bank or the credit card company. Usually, if it's a divorce, the judge will issue some type of called a qualified divorce order, also called a quadro, one of the things I've seen people do on their banking accounts, and I don't know if every bank does this, but it's called transfer on death. So this is an opportunity for you to check with your bank and see if you can do that to who would be your beneficiaries later in life. See, you want to remove your former spouse as your beneficiary as well.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah.
Cash Matthews:And if you don't trust them, really get up, really get on with that.
Kenneth Baucum:Oh, yeah, well, and those beneficiaries are so important anyway to keep up to date all the time, you know, whether it's on a 401k or accounts or whatever.
Cash Matthews:Yeah, the number of people that have been through a divorce that left their spouse on there and and, like you know, I saw one the other day ex spouse had been on there eight years and I'm like why is that person your beneficiary? And uh, so we need to take care of those things.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah, I remember being in a previous job and finding out just how many people, how many employees didn't even have beneficiaries. Well, I can't say it's a hard word uh, tongue all tangled right, um, but didn't have those on those accounts. So you know, first of all have them and second of all check them out.
Cash Matthews:Yeah, kenneth, that makes that's the exact right thing to do. You know you maintain them, just like you maintain anything else in life, like your car. So this, this next part's a little tougher. But you're going to need to redo your will and when there's a death it's yucky and you need to get with your attorney or advisor or CPA or whoever and use a professional and have them redo your will. You know, this stuff is not like the at-home appendectomy kit. That's simple, right, but this is something you need a professional. Ask them to update your will and an update is not the same as rewriting an entirely new and it shouldn't be that expensive. But make sure you take care of that and it's. It ain't easy and if you're going through it, especially if there's a death man, I'm sorry you know, but this is another one of those things you can focus on and it'll get you through another day or week and you know that's part of the recovery.
Cash Matthews:Yeah, no-transcript, and you're going to ask questions how am I doing? Where am I Cash? I just had one lady. She goes, man, I just feel like a bucket of hair and I've used that. But you know, you just got to get up and put one foot in front of the other and you need to count the money. At some point you need to find out where your money is, where all the debts are. You need to look at your retirement plan, social security. If you've done what's called a quadro, a qualified divorce order, you need to take a look at that. You need to do an update, write it down, put it in a notebook. I'm a big notebook guy. If you have debts, write down those debts. I like to write them in descending order. So if you have a $200 debt and an $800 debt and a $10,000 debt, I like to put the smaller one first, because I like to pay off the easy ones first.
Kenneth Baucum:And.
Cash Matthews:I don't know if it, let me know. If any of you are like me, like I need a win. You know, I heard somebody say pay off the highest interest one first, and that's probably mathematically right, but it's not emotionally right Sometimes. Just paying off that $200 account just where you have one less bill, man, that's just a win and I don't know, we all kind of need a win sometimes.
Kenneth Baucum:Right.
Cash Matthews:You're going to need to redo your health insurance a lot of times and maybe you need to find a qualified health insurance professional to help you through that, because there are time deadlines for that. If you're on COBRA continuation insurance and if you want to talk to a health professional immediately, you need to make that happen. So your insurance, your beneficiaries, your will all of that needs to be maintained and changed. So I mentioned a minute ago financial forensics and that can be done in a lot of ways. If you've stored documents and have old policies and you may think they're canceled they may not be Just make sure to make the call, have your advisor with you, your CPA, your accountant, to make those calls, to know what to say and ask these questions Is this old life policy active?
Cash Matthews:Does it have any cash value? Like we said, go through all those statements for 13 months. A lot of people have these old child policies that were written on them, that were paid up and aren't collecting premiums anymore, but still they still show up or you can find out about them. So if you've gone through death, you want to make sure to check if your spouse was a veteran and uh, man, there's different benefits there.
Kenneth Baucum:Right.
Cash Matthews:So first go see what benefits are available, you know, uh, for like being the spouse of a veteran, and I think all of that stuff is valuable. But here's a tough one, and this is one of the tough ones Give everything away that belonged to your spouse the clothing, that type of stuff. That was tough man. When my mom died, one of my chores was to get rid of her stuff and on one hand I didn't want to do it, but on the other hand it wasn't going to bring her back.
Kenneth Baucum:Right.
Cash Matthews:But on both hands. I hated it. I really hated it. There's sentimental value. But then somebody, somebody is going to find a woman's dress in your closet one day. Um, you just have to buck up and do it. And if you've gone through a divorce, same thing. I don't think you want those reminders there. You know the daily reminder. So I think it's important to give everything away, you know. So let it be a blessing to somebody else. You know, maybe this is a time where you start to connect with a charitable organization and you feel good about giving those things away, those things that were high value to them and low value to me. You know, give those things away. I collect books and coins and bicycles and if they're no longer important to you, sell them off. Seek out a professional. I have bikes. My wife doesn't care about bikes. You put them in a garage sale. But you know, sell off those things if you don't need them and if you don't value them Right. Does that make sense?
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Cash Matthews:Okay, so clear the space. I think that's important. And you know, when there's a death, there's another thing going on, but prepaid funerals, because they don't send you a reminder every six months. Just in case your spouse bought one 27 years ago, you need to check and see if there's a prepaid funeral. Yeah, you know, I don't know how to find those things, but dig around.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah.
Cash Matthews:And if you can see death coming, you need to ask these questions. And that's yucky and this is the worst podcast ever. It's hard to talk about, but my friend in Dallas who died. He was sick for three months and they never talked about the will.
Kenneth Baucum:Oh, wow.
Cash Matthews:And it turned out they didn't have one and it was a disaster. But in times like these you got to, you got to just take action. So, as I mentioned, there's a lot of prepaid funerals people don't know about and when you're in that moment of death it's confusing. There's a lot of pressure. You know there's funeral pressure, like we need to do this by Thursday and, man, we'll look for the first source of comfort, and that's how often people pay too much for funerals. But um, as far as the product, I don't know that much about prepaid funerals. I know you pay for it, but I like I do like the idea of knowing where you're going to be buried. My mother and my stepdad eventually had a prepaid thing and he bought a place to be buried right next to her, but then he got married again and so there was a big like oh, where are we going to put him? And so you know if those plans can change. If you need one, I know where there's an empty one.
Cash Matthews:I just tried to make a funeral joke. I'm sorry about that.
Kenneth Baucum:Well, you know you did, but you know you also mentioned the veterans benefits earlier too, and I feel like that's another spot that you know can come into play Right. So maybe the husband fought in a particular war or served in the services, so maybe that makes the spouse you know eligible when it comes to you know where they're being buried. Maybe they then have some options.
Cash Matthews:Yeah, and if you're depending on the level your spouse was, absolutely, maybe they have a spot in a national cemetery or something, and there are other VA benefits that you can call the VA and find out about or your advisor can help you understand those a little bit better. So if you're a military bereaved, you may have the right to be buried in a particular place, but I would learn those details right away as we begin recovery. On the financial side, you're going to make a list of every debt. You have all the money, where it all is, and time to write it all down In this moment. Revisit your own financial plan. Find out how much cash you have in the bank. Where the investments are, make a decent list of them, and that's not that easy. Where the investments are, make a decent list of them, and that's not that easy. But you want to find out if your former spouse is the beneficiary on some other account from someone else. A brother, sister, aunt, uncle have left them in the way of money. That makes sense, right, right right.
Cash Matthews:Okay, well, that's an attorney question. And here's one that I see happen very frequently, and this is not an easy one. But if you decide you need to sell your house, you need to know something your house won't miss you. It's not emotional, it's just a bunch of sticks and if you leave, it won't miss you. You'll miss it. I totally get that. But you need to have that conversation as quickly as possible. Do I need to keep a five-bedroom bath house when it's just me, Right? Yeah, so you need to have that talk.
Cash Matthews:And that's a real estate question. So your favorite qualified realtor or CPA can help you with that. But you got to ask those questions, right? So here's another tough one who's paying the bills? This is my final one who's paying the bills? Because if your spouse is the one that always paid the bills property tax, automobile tax, license plates, auto insurance make sure when this happens, you take your former spouse off the insurance, because that'll reduce your premium and you're no longer liable, and I think that's important. But in this rush to when everything happens, when a death or divorce happens, we aren't thinking clearly. There's so much pressure, we're so lost. Some of this stuff you can delegate but, like things for insurance require authorization and you know for your kids to call one of the companies are the bills paid. You'll need a power of attorney for things like that.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah.
Cash Matthews:So your attorney can hook you up with that. And, man, I hate this topic, but once we address it we've taken the first step.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah.
Cash Matthews:To fix it.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah Well, and of course nobody likes to be suddenly single, right. No one likes it. They don't want to be in that place and be in that spot, right.
Cash Matthews:Well, having been through a bunch of deaths, kenneth, I can tell you it does get better. I mean, in those first few weeks, or that first year, man, it's terrible, but the people that have fared the best are the most prepared. There aren't as many things about to hit them in the face. Sure, sure you know we, we have a program called my financial plan where you can store everything.
Kenneth Baucum:Right.
Cash Matthews:And everything is in one spot and we tell people, hey, don't leave a mess, leave a password, and uh, but life after divorce or death? You know your birth certificate doesn't have an expiration date, but there's one coming and you need to plan for it. Um, yeah, and you, you need to plan for it, yeah, and you need to execute that plan. So we like talking about the hard topics here. On Cash Flows, and if you want to get a copy of the book Suddenly Single, please email us at cashflowsattulsabongcom. Bong is spelled B-O-N-G. It's the Business Owners Networking Group and I was on the debate team and didn't know what a bong was. Email us cashflows at tulssabongcom. We'd love to put a book in your hand over a cup of coffee. Look at you know, hug your neck, get face to face, and we don't charge for that and we'd love to make sure you have access to that information. So, Kenneth, I think we did good work here.
Kenneth Baucum:Yeah, I think so. It's a difficult topic and difficult conversation, but I think it's really really helpful info for people in those situations.
Cash Matthews:Yeah, I mean, it just guts me to talk about these things, especially with my friends. I don't like talking about it, but when we do talk about it, you know, we just create a better plan. And so with that, I want to wrap this one up. Man, if you are hurting right now, let's at least go grab coffee and we'll get an extra shot in your espresso, and for at least for a little while. So we're going to wrap this up today. My name's Cash Matthews. This show is Cash Flows here today with our executive producer, Kenneth Baucum. Today we're talking about suddenly single. It's a tough one, it's necessary and it's relevant, and we're glad you're here today and we appreciate you being part of the Cash Flows podcast. Thank you for stopping by.
Kenneth Baucum:That's our show for today. Stay tuned for another riveting edition of Cash Flows.
